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Friends or Lovers
by
Colleen Kerwin
It
is opening night of the new
hit movie Cruel
Intentions. The movie
theater is packed, and the
line is wrapped around the
building. I have not been to
this movie theater in about
a year, and it is fate that
has brought me here tonight.
As
I am waiting for the doors
to open, who should walk
around the corner, other
than my ex-boyfriend. My
palms begin to sweat as I
call for him to come over
and talk to us. I cannot
even remember my own name at
this point, and I do not
know why I am feeling like
this, after all we are
supposed to be friends.
Friends do not feel this way
about one another. It is
because of these feelings,
and because of the multiple
times my heart has dropped
into my stomach when seeing
him, that I believe
ex-lovers cannot be friends.
When communicating with the
ex-lover, there will always
be lingering feelings of
love, hate, jealousy, or
blame, which get in the way
of true friendship.
According to Dr. Ruth,
professional relationship
expert, one party will still
be in love with the other,
due to the fact that they
did not see the break up
coming, or they did not even
want the break up in the
first place. This is the
underlying problem that
everyone overlooks.
The one who breaks up with
the other, always thinks
that the other feels the
same way. The "erasure of
sincerity", feeling as
though you never meant
anything to the other, is
not something that we can
control and makes us
slightly hysterical. It is
hard to believe that the one
who just broke your heart
honestly meant it when they
said, "I love you," and now
they cannot even say hello
to you.
Some people believe that
nothing will change; you
will still see one as often
as you did before, and spend
as much "quality" time
together as before. While
this might work for awhile
it is not long before the
two of you drift apart,
begin dating others, or even
begin dating one another
again.
The time commitment problem
with remaining friends, is
that you are never quite
sure how much time to spend
with one another now that
you are no longer together.
You always end up spending
too much or too little time
with them, and in both cases
give mixed messages. Too
much time means that you
want them back, while too
little time means you would
rather spend no time at all.
When breaking up, I believe
that you should just spend a
lot of time apart, and don't
plan on being friends. As my
good friend once said, "The
four worst words are 'Let's
just be friends'." It is
difficult to decipher
exactly what that means.
Where is that line which you
crossed in the first place
to become more than friends?
It
is difficult for me to
believe that men and women
can be friends after being
lovers because I don't
believe that men and women
really have the capability
of being just friends in the
first place. Men cannot
think of a woman without
thinking of how she would be
in bed, while women cannot
relate to a man without
trying to seduce him.
Women need to prove to
themselves that they are
sexually desirable to every
man. Now, with this problem
already in the way, try
attempting to be friends
with someone that once
thought the world of you,
and now you are just a
stepping stone to moving on
to better things. This would
immediately trigger a twinge
of jealousy, which is
perfectly normal. No one
wants to feel as though they
were just a stepping stone
in this person's growth.
They do not want to be
looked upon as a life lesson
of what not to look for in
the perfect mate.
I
have also found that men
seem to put up a wall after
breaking up. They never let
their true feelings show
through, for fear of not
looking "manly" enough.
It
is very rare that a man
would come riding in on
their white horse and
proclaim his love for you.
Announcing to the whole
world that you are the only
one for him, and that he
loves you more than life
itself is not something
likely to happen in the near
future. That is why in our
culture stories like this
are called fairy tales.
Instead, it has been shown
that men hide. They will
devote themselves to their
work, spending more time
with friends, etc. This is
demonstrated most clearly in
the hit TV Show, Friends.
When Ross and Rachel break
up, Ross depends on his
friends to occupy his time;
taking him to strip clubs,
hanging out, going to
sporting events, and other
activities that will keep
him from thinking about his
misery This way there is
never time to think about
what they are really missing
out on, or if the best
decision is being made. They
just put it in the back of
their mind and vow to never
think about her or their
relationship ever again.
While some people might
believe that if both parties
agree on the break-up then
it is possible to be
friends, they forget there
are always underlying
emotions. Whenever ex-lovers
attempt to be friends,
emotions are constantly
strained. We end up falling
in love with the person all
over again, or wishing that
we had never met them, and
that is when it becomes
difficult. Whether it be a
drunken night when neither
of you are thinking clearly,
or just a midnight
rendezvous, at some point it
is natural for the sexual
tendencies to return.
After all, it is most
people's belief that "it is
nothing that we haven't done
before". It is a comfortable
situation until the next
morning when you wake up and
do not know where things
stand all over again.
Remaining friends with the
ex-lover is also a
complicated situation when
having to meet their new
significant other. One
immediately turns to
thoughts of, "That used to
be me," or "He/she is not
good enough." Trying so hard
to pretend that you are
happy for your ex-lover is
much too difficult of a
situation. One that no one
should have to go through.
In
conclusion, it should be
said that it is a natural
instinct to try and remain
friends with someone who has
meant so much to you.
However, to save your own
sanity, and the sanity of
all those around you, it
would be wise to accept that
you will never "just be
friends," and vow to never
see one another ever again.
Run into them in the grocery
store or bank, at a crowded
movie theater or bar, but do
not plan on making dinner
dates and going out and
partying because when doing
this. . .you will be right
back where you started.
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