|
Breaking Up
Dr. Dennis
W. Neder
Sometimes,
things run their course. You may be at fault
or not, but when its time to bring your
relationship to an end you want to do so
cleanly and effectively. Here are some
suggestions:
1) If you have personal items at your
lover's place, you want to begin getting
them back. This is much more difficult to do
after the breakup. If your lover has things
around your home, put these in a box and
have them ready to move. Be thorough - you
don't want to have things left over for
him/her to have to come back to get later.
2) Don't involve your friends, family,
co-workers, etc., in the breakup. This is
only between you two. Adding others
increases the humiliation factor.
3) If you're afraid of a scene, break up at
a public venue such as a restaurant.
However, don't "lure" your soon-to-be-ex
lover there under false pretenses. Explain
that you want to "talk about your
relationship".
4) Don't wait until a "good time". Do it as
soon as you make the decision. Waiting only
prolongs the inevitable and makes it even
more difficult.
5) However, don't breakup on a day with
special significance. For example, don't
breakup on Christmas Day, Easter, or your
ex-partner's birthday. This is cruel, and
may cause ruin that day for this person for
a long time.
6) Don't hedge - get to the point. Be clear
and specific. Don't blame or argue, and
don't prolong the event.
7) Don't breakup in stages! Some people;
either through fear of losing someone, or a
feeling that their sparing their ex-lover's
feelings do the "series breakup". They start
by getting distant, then, they suggest that
both see other people, then, they stop
answering the telephone, etc. This is just
causes the pain to be extended for a longer
time than is necessary. Remember, you
wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece by piece
(would you?); you'd do it all at once.
8) Be considerate of your ex-lover's
feelings, but don't back down. Also, don't
promise to stay in touch, stay friends, or
say that maybe you can get back together
after you "get your head together". This
leads to false hopes.
9) Don't unload your hurt or anger on this
person. Be detached, unemotional and
specific.
Breaking up is very difficult for both the
person doing it as well as the person
getting dumped. Always remember that you saw
something in the person when you first got
together. Regardless of what happened they
are still the same person you met and have a
right to their dignity.
|
