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By-words for
Marriage
by Dennis
& Vicki Covington
Honesty
If you ask for the truth, you must be
able to "take it." The question, "Are you
attracted to her?" shouldn't be a trap. If a
couple can share this information, it can
serve to deflate the desire. Part of the
enticement of an affair is secrecy. Sharing
the truth can be bonding rather than
destructive.
Flexibility
Every marriage has its own architecture,
and it will change over time. You may have
to tear down a wall to add something new. It
is reasonable to assume that as you grow,
you'll need more space. A dandelion will
break concrete to keep growing.
Privacy
Snooping is irresistible. Assume that
you're going to do it, and so is he. But
remember that your invasion is as wrong and
deceitful as whatever "evidence" you find.
Humor
Laugh. Invent names and code words for
old wounds. If your spouse brings up a
mistake of yours from the past, remind him
that he's playing "museum." If you are
jealous of somebody, give her a nickname
when you refer to her. Give names to
episodes in your lives. Learn to trust other
couples. Talk candidly when you're with them
about whatever is bugging your marriage.
Assume that every marriage is, in some way,
conflicted, and learn to laugh not just with
each other but with mutual single friends
and couples about what you've been through
or are going through.
Grace
The Golden Rule never grows old, nor does
the concept of always giving someone
"benefit of the doubt." The ultimate act of
love is to let somebody "save face."
Forgiveness
Nowhere in life is this concept more
tested than in marriage. You have to forgive
over and over then over again if you want to
stay together. When you're married, you are
a witness to somebody else's life. You see
it all. You have the inside story. Be tender
with confrontation. There is some inevitable
degree of parenting in marriage. You are his
mother; he is your father--not all the time,
God forbid, but when you are guilty you
become a child. A good parent forgives.
Remember, "Forgiveness is the scent the
violet leaves on the heel that crushed it."
Realism
To be married is to be caught in a
contradiction between biology and ideas,
between the certain weakness of the flesh
and the weak certainty of the spirit.
Passion is another word for suffering, and
to be married is to suffer the dashing of
hope. Though we may call marriage a sacred
covenant, it is also an imperfect human
contract.
Idealism
Believe in marriage. Believe that despite
the unpaid bills, the screaming kids, the
frustrating in-laws, despite whatever
happens, studies confirm that married people
have more frequent and better sex than do
singles, that we somehow find a way to throw
the clothes in a pile and do thrilling
things to each other in the dark.
©1999
Dennis & Vicki Covington
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