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Fighting Fair
Do You Know
How?
Do disagreements and conflicts turn into
angry confrontations that hurt you and your
partner? Do you feel resentful and angry
when you and your partner fight? Conflict
and disagreement are virtually inevitable in
close relationships. How you approach these
conflicts, and how you and your partner
resolve the disagreements will determine
whether your relationship is strengthened or
weakened.
Fights are never pleasant, however, fair
fights will bring about resolution of
important issues that must be dealt with
within the relationship. While “dirty”
fighting can produce a loss of intimacy in a
relationship, “clean” fights will help clear
up problems and improve intimacy as partners
better understand each other.
It is very difficult to know when to say
something is bothering us and when not to
say anything, to “just let it slide.” Nobody
wants to feel like the “bad guy,” — as if we
are infringing upon the other person’s
rights by asking them not to take advantage
of us.
Take care of small but significant issues
as they occur. Don’t “sandbag,” building up
a load of small grievances, hurts and
hostilities that will eventually be dumped
on your partner. Let go of anger produced by
trivial items.
The first time you encounter a situation
that irks or annoys you, do not bite your
tongue and say nothing hoping it will not
happen again — it will. Instead, tell your
partner what it is that is bothering you,
and explain why. Make sure you communicate
the reason for your discontent; otherwise
your partner won’t know what you’re upset
about.
Approach big issues as soon as possible,
ideally when both of you are prepared to
deal with them. Set time aside to fight if
you have to. Don’t embarrass your partner by
bringing up the issue at an inappropriate
time. Don’t compound the problem by avoiding
the issue by pouting, sulking, or giving the
“silent treatment.”
Know what you’re fighting about and be
specific. Say what’s bothering you, using
“I” statements -- “I’m angry because ...”
Don’t generalize with “You always....” or
“You never...” Don’t tell your partner what
he or she is thinking or feeling -- you are
not a mind reader. Limit the confrontation
to the complaint at hand and bring up one
thing at a time.
If you find yourself reacting to a
problem, the next time you encounter it,
confront it. Confront that one specific
instance. Do not dredge up the past by
bringing up every example of “leaving the
cap off the toothpaste,” at once. It is not
fair for your partner to have to deal with
weeks or months of pent-up frustration; it
is also equally your fault for not
confronting the issue sooner and preventing
it from occurring over and over.
Don’t dwell on issues from the past,
dredging up past arguments and issues. No
matter what your partner said or did before,
they cannot return to the past and take back
the statement or deed. That is forever a
part of history. Move on. “My headstone will
probably read ‘Here lies my husband who
cheated on me in 1975’,” says Alan. “It
doesn’t matter that it happened one time
only, my wife refuses to forgive or forget.
Sometimes I’ve though that since I’m paying
the price over and over for this mistake,
why not earn her anger. Not that I would,
but ... “ Don’t let history ruin a good
relationship. Forgive and forget.
Deal with your partner’s behavior, not
her/his personality. Don’t name call,
belittle them, “hit below the belt,” or
blame them for a problem that is yours. We
all too often have a tendency to say, “you
are upsetting me”, which attributes the
fault directly to the person. Instead we
should be saying, “the dirty dishes are
upsetting me, could you please clean them?”
This eliminates the attack on the
individual, and the defensive reaction which
follows.
Do not respond immediately if you’re
attacked. Count to ten. Try not to take your
partner’s anger personally. Don’t
counter-attack, overreact, make idle threats
or issue ultimatums that you are unprepared
to carry out.
Try to understand your partner’s
viewpoint. Does he/she feel this way because
something else may be bothering them?
Perhaps an outside influence has colored
their perceptions of the situation.
Listen well -- give feedback to your
partner that you understand her/his thoughts
and feelings. Be sensitive to your partner’s
needs. Try not to fight back if your partner
just needs to let off steam.
When you understand how your partner
feels, find out what it is he or she really
wants from the confrontation. Let he or she
understand that you want to find a
satisfactory solution to the problem that
will be a positive for the both of you. This
is not a contest with a winner and a loser.
Do not assume that if your partner’s
viewpoint is accepted that you have “lost.”
Talk about the way each of you view the
issue -- are both of you sharing the same
view or is it completely different? Don’t
make light of the issue or belittle your
partner. His or her feelings are important,
just as yours are. Don’t assume he or she
knows what you are thinking or feeling if
you have taken a silent approach. No one is
a mind reader.
There is usually more than one way to
resolve a confrontation. Consider the
options.
Don’t lose sight of the problem at hand
and make sure the issue is resolved before
going to another. Don’t pretend to go along
or agree when you’re not ready to accept
your partner’s view or resolution. If the
fight isn’t ended now, plan to meet later to
finish it and establish intermediate
solutions. Don’t keep rehashing the same old
arguments with no resolution in sight. Don’t
make demands that cannot be resolved.
Admit if you are wrong. Be ready to
forgive if your partner is wrong. Don’t turn
a cold shoulder to your partner or withhold
affection.
Two people will never agree on absolutely
everything. It’s not critical that they do.
Seeing another person’s point of view
expands our vision and strengthens our
relationships.
Be prepared, too, that some issues cannot
be resolved within some relationships. It
may be the time to admit that the
relationship should be ended. And that, in
itself, is the resolution of the issue.
There are times, however, when the
problem is with you or your partner. You may
not get along with each other because you
were raised in different environments and
have nothing in common, or because one or
both of you has grown out of the
relationship. At times such as these it is
difficult to remain impartial or open-minded
enough to resolve differences to the point
of being able to save the relationship.
When dealing with relationships, it is
difficult to know what is right and wrong.
You do the best you can.
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