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Guidelines for Relating to
Your Wife During Divorce
Between the decision to divorce and the physical separation, you
and your wife are stranded between two
worlds: your past life together and your
future lives apart. It is only natural
during this period of limbo that emotions
run high. Even the slightest miscue can lead
to an explosion that could irrevocably
damage your chances at a good divorce. The
problem is that, because the relationship
has changed, it is hard to know how to act.
Managing Day-to-Day Interactions
So how do you relate to each other? Even
though you and your wife are divorcing, you
are still together and still have many of
the expectations of a married couple. She
may still be your primary confidant, so you
may be inclined to turn to her when
something is troubling you. However, she is
also the person you are divorcing and the
feelings of rejection are still palpable.
She is both friend and stranger at the same
time, as are you to her.
While you are in this stage, it's likely
that you and your wife may get into
discussions that begin as pleasant
recollections from the past, only to see
them deteriorate into two conflicting
versions of history. You may each ruminate
about the future, only to find yourselves in
a fight over how much support she seeks or
whether she will agree to sell the house.
Your situation is volatile, and what begins
as a simple discussion soon becomes a battle
with hurt feelings.
This is all part of the process of parting,
and the sooner you acquire new expectations
of each other, the better off you will be.
Many couples come to me for mediation and
express hope that they can come out of the
divorce still being friends. It is very
difficult to ratchet a relationship down
from an intimate one to a friendship.
Friends expect to be able to turn to each
other for emotional sustenance,
encouragement, and approval. Calling on each
other for help or emotional reinforcement is
tricky because intimate conversation between
you triggers so many old and unresolved
issues. You are the source of so much pain
to each other that the pain is simply
inconsistent with a friendship. So talk of
friendship, more often than not, can just
lead to further disillusionment with each
other.
So, instead of aiming for friendship, the
model that I return to repeatedly in this
book is the appropriate dialogue with a
business colleague. We expect business
colleagues to be friendly rather than to be
friends. When you talk to a colleague, you
are careful to maintain a cordial and
respectful tone. You do not engage in bursts
of anger and you do not attack each other's
character. You can agree to disagree, and
you can negotiate amicable resolutions.
Because your relationship with a business
colleague is limited to your common purpose,
your communication is also limited. This
helps ensure the relationship is long term;
you do not stress it by demanding
interaction outside of what is necessary to
achieve a common goal. This is especially
important if you have children, as you and
your wife will have to cooperate around
child-related issues for a long time. You
will have to be able to share relevant
information, cooperate with each other to
achieve common but limited goals, and
resolve conflicts related to those goals on
the occasions when such conflicts arise.
Although it is quite difficult to shift
gears suddenly and move from an intimate
relationship with complex expectations to
that of business colleagues, you need to
begin consciously moving toward the
transition. As mentioned before, during the
very difficult period after you have decided
to divorce but before you have separated, it
is easy to do great damage. Each of you may
still be testing old agendas with each
other. Each may look for approval and then
feel angry when it is not forthcoming.
That's why now is the time to learn how to
steer clear of trouble. You must be polite
and cordial. Let your wife know when you are
coming and going. Do your share of work in
the house and have no expectations of
personal service from her. Do your own
laundry and shopping. Think of yourself as
housemates, not spouses; you need to
exercise the independence of a housemate. Do
not burden your wife with your fears and do
not expect to have intimate discussions.
That is what you have friends for. That is
what you use a therapist for. The sooner you
and your wife achieve a respectful and
cordial distance, the better off you both
will be.
I also urge that you suggest divorce
counseling for the two of you. Divorce
counseling is not marital therapy and is not
intended to achieve reconciliation. Divorce
counseling uses a skilled therapist to help
the two of you have any unfinished
discussions about emotional issues that will
help you both accept that the marriage is
over. Ideally, divorce counseling provides a
safe place where each of you can say things
that you feel the need to say and ask
questions that are still unanswered.
Frequently in such counseling, the no
initiator of the divorce seeks answers about
why you want a divorce and sometimes tries
one last time to get you to agree to try
again. It is a useful forum, because the
therapist can interrupt to ensure that each
of you are heard, can intervene to help you
frame statements to minimize injury, and can
provide the opinion of an independent third
party that the marriage indeed seems to be
over. It is also a safe place to try and
obtain your wife's agreement to join you in
managing a decent and gentle divorce. It
gives you an opportunity to assure her that
your intentions are to be fair and gentle
and to meet your responsibilities to her and
the children. A competent counselor should
be able to help you do this in a few
sessions. As in the choice of any
professional, check out the counselor's
credentials and experience carefully because
an incompetent counselor can do more harm
than good.
Managing Your Finances
Needless battles over money derail more
divorces in the early stages than any other
issue. Money is a source of power, so to be
without money makes us feel powerless. At
this point in your divorce, you want to
avoid any behavior that will frighten your
wife about money. Here are some simple
rules.
1. Make no unilateral change in any bank or
securities account. Well-meaning but
ignorant advisers and some overzealous
lawyers may counsel you to raid the accounts
and move the money to new accounts in your
name only. The usual rationale is that if
you don't strike first, your wife will, and
then she will have a huge advantage. And it
is true that were she to sequester the money
she would enjoy a slight bargaining
advantage in the war that would follow. But
it would also not be difficult to obtain a
court order freezing the money so that
neither of you could get at it without the
consent of the other. But that is irrelevant
because your objective here is trust, and
trust cannot be achieved without some
vulnerability and risk.
2. If there is some compelling reason that
you have to make a withdrawal, such as
payment of taxes, tell your wife first and
secure her consent. Do not assume that she
trusts you, and control your indignation if
she asks for safeguards that she had not
sought in the past.
3. Do not cancel your wife's credit cards or
in any way take unilateral measures to
control her spending. If you think that her
spending is a problem, take the question up
with your counselor or mediator. It is often
necessary to negotiate temporary support or
money management arrangements. By insisting
on a bilateral agreement, you establish the
premise that you and your wife can work out
the details in negotiation and that power
struggles through lawyers are unnecessary.
Managing Parenting Issues
At this stage of your divorce, it's critical
to maintain the parenting status quo. If
your wife has been the parent in charge of
the children, now is not the time to assert
your equality as a parent. Your relative
parenting roles will be negotiated soon, and
in your anxiety to maintain your role as
father, do not precipitate threatening
struggles over the children.
One of the most painful aspects of divorce
is informing the children. I have seen many
couples mess up this sensitive task by
handling it unilaterally or precipitously.
So develop a plan with your wife for you to
together tell the children about the
divorce. This is absolutely a joint task,
and you may want some joint counseling about
how and what to tell them.
Managing the News of Your Breakup
This is the time to develop a plan with your
wife to break the news to relatives and
friends. You can assume that she has
discussed this already with intimate
confidants, so don't be surprised to
discover that some people already know.
Nevertheless, offering to consult with your
wife on the timing of the public
dissemination of the news is an essential
courtesy to extend.
Managing Your New Social Lives
Be very discreet in dating at this time.
Even when your wife is the initiator, she
will not be ready to receive information
that she has been replaced without your even
breaking stride. Do not assume that because
she is leaving you she is done with you
emotionally. She may even continue to harbor
strong feelings toward you and may fantasize
that you will make some dramatic gesture to
win her back. If your wife gets a report
that you were at the movies with some other
woman just 2 weeks after she told you that
she wanted a divorce, her resentment may
sizzle even though you think she has no
right to such feelings.
Ideally, dating should wait until you are
living separately, and even then there is no
reason to put new relationships in your
wife's face. You have nothing to prove to
her, and there is no issue here of who is
right or wrong. It is only an issue of
maintaining civility and moving the
relationship along to a businesslike
collaboration. But if you are dating while
you are still living in the family home, it
is worth taking pains to keep that activity
thoroughly segregated from your continuing
life at home.
The article was excerpted from the book A
Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How to
Divorce with Grace, a Little Class, and a
Lot of Common Sense
by Sam Margulies, Ph.D., J.D. Published by
Rodale; June 2004; $24.95US/$36.95CAN;
1-57954-799-0.
Copyright © 2004 Sam Margulies, Ph.D., J.D.
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