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HIS Midlife
Crisis!!
Will Your Relationship
Survive?
You are in a committed relationship, married
or involved on an exclusive basis. You
thought everything was glorious. Or, at
least as glorious as it gets—all
relationships have some rough spots.
It seems that you are always fighting. Or he
just doesn't act like himself anymore. He
doesn't like his job. He wants to sell the
house and get a little place in the
mountains or a sailboat and sail to the
islands. You're too fat or too thin or too
short or too tall. He doesn't like being
home. He wants a sportier car. He changes
his hair style, starts a diet and joins the
local gym. He says his clothes are too old
for him. He says you and he have grown
apart. He needs time to think about
'things.' He wants space. He wants something
but he doesn't know what. He wants a
divorce.
If he's between the ages of 35 and 50, your
man is blazing a trail through male midlife
— he's having a crisis.
We're not talking about the man who has
always been a womanizer, a schemer or
generally not the nicest person in the
world. We are talking about the man who has
up to this point assumed responsibility and
been the person you could depend upon in
time of need.
What you must keep in mind is that he really
doesn't understand what he's doing, he isn't
deliberately hurting you he just knows that
something is wrong in his life and he's
searching for the answers.
Of course you're sitting there saying,
"Whoa! I'm supposed to just be quiet and
tolerate his forays into other-woman-land
and
let's-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-land
or
ditch-the-station-wagon-I-need-a-red-sports-car-land?
Well, yes. Of course you do have options
here. You can rage and make demands that he
clean up his act. And probably shortly
thereafter you'll find yourself in
divorce-land.
You see, men don't plan on turning
unpredictable. It happens when they look in
the mirror or in the eyes of their
grandchildren and see themselves as old men.
They have, up to this point, believed they
were 25-year-old boys. One mid-50's midlife
graduate says it made him a better person.
He has remained with his original wife and
their relationship has been redefined to
better meet his needs. He has his space and
a home in the country that allows him to
"entertain" when he feels the need and she
has her space and their home in the city
that allows her a place to pound on the
walls and scream when she feels the urge.
Another mid-50's graduate traded the
pressures of family, home and business to
drive a camper cross county supporting
himself by doing odd jobs. A mid-60's
executive still in crisis has added a
20-something mistress into his lifestyle.
His wife waits patiently for the affair to
run its course.
The Crisis
Male midlife devours relationships. It may
be devouring yours. What you must understand
and believe is that no matter what you do,
or don't do, the outcome will be the same.
You do not have control over him, only
yourself.
He might not be alone on this search, but
you probably weren't invited, and you
probably wouldn't have been regardless of
the circumstances. You see, you are part of
the problem as he sees it. You don't
understand, how could you? He may have met
someone else who seems to understand him
perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as
with the mid-60's executive, above). But how
could anyone understand him when he doesn't
understand himself? He's in an emotional
storm that will test the patience and
endurance of all those who love him as he
comes to grips with the fact that he is no
longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean
to hurt you, but he
will
hurt you.
It's a punch right between the eyes when he
suddenly realizes that he is getting older.
There's so much he hasn't done. Time is
running out. He can't keep up this stress of
being husband, father, breadwinner! He's
getting older - his hair is thinning, his
waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby,
his face is wrinkling, he's got a t-shirt
with little hand prints and 'we love you,
gramps' in childish scrawl. He is feeling
emotions he's never felt before. And
occasionally he is impotent. IT'S JUST TOO
MUCH!! HE CAN'T HANDLE IT!! HE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE AN OLD MAN!!! Sometimes referred to as
'male menopause,' male midlife is not nice
for any of the players involved. It's
difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.
What Now?
Should you try to wait for this crisis to
end, for your lives to return to where they
used to be? It might take the patience of
Job and the result may still not be the one
you want. He will do what he must do when he
must do it. Once he has made his passage he
will not be the same. He is at a major
turning point in his life, a normal part of
the male maturing process that, should he be
successful in navigating through the storms,
will help him lead a fuller and more
satisfying life, accepting the normal
limitations inherent with the aging process.
Some men aren't successful in the passage.
Suicide rates increase for men as they age.
Suicide offers the promise of release from
seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women
know how to express their emotions, whereas
men are taught to hold their emotions back,
to 'act like a man!' For some, suicide is
the only way to suppress the emotional pain
associated with the midlife passage.
His Crisis - Your Problem
You need to be aware of what's happening to
your man. Being aware will make you less apt
to blame yourself for the things going
wrong. He will be blaming you as it is,
because he knows he's not wrong.
There's not much you can do to speed up his
passage through this crisis in your lives.
He probably doesn't want to talk about it,
at least not to you. He may believe that
you're the whole reason he feels the way he
does. It's not true.
You need to understand that this is his
problem, it will have to be his
solution—what he's going through is normal
and you are not responsible. You can't
change it or fix it because you didn't break
it.
You will have to step back and let him whirl
around in his search to find himself. He has
a need to blame someone for the bad feelings
he has, for the terrible way he's acting,
for the lousy way he feels. He knows he's
not at fault, so it must be you. Don't
believe it. And don't try to explain his
feelings to him. You can't and he won't
listen.
Men Are From Pluto
Women Are From Macy's
There's no doubt men and women are quite
different in how they handle emotional
situations and midlife is one of the most
notable examples.
As a female, you have been trained to take
care of other people, to be responsible for
their well-being, to make things run
smoothly. You have been taught when
relationships don't go well it is your
responsibility to correct the situation. You
look inside yourself for the answers. In the
case of his midlife crisis, you won't be
able to correct the situation—the answers
must come from him. You cannot change his
behavior, he must. If you think you can
change his behavior by changing yourself,
you are in for a lot of anger and
disappointment. This issue is not about you,
it is all about him.
Men are trained to hide their emotions but
that doesn't mean the emotions don't
exist—they're buried deep in the recesses of
how 'real men' act. Men and women
are
from the same planet, no matter how alien
the male of the species seem when he's
plowing through his midlife crisis. When you
get angry it is perfectly all right for you
to express that anger. Society says he must
be in control no matter the situation. He
has been trained to appear calm, cold,
unemotional, unfeeling. It is easy to
believe that he is that way inside, too, but
even the most grown-up men need to scream
and cry sometimes. It's just not allowed.
His Financial Image
Society measures the worth and success of a
man by how much money he has and makes. If
he isn't making the kind of money he thinks
he should, he will be angry at the obstacles
he believes are standing in his way. He may
believe his family responsibilities are
holding him back. Time is running out! He
has to do something right now. He doesn't
know what to do but he will do something.
He needs more affection now and may reach
out to you. If you respond with surprise or
rejection because you don't understand this
new behavior, he may find the affection and
affirmation of his desirability in the arms
of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you
understand, he doesn't know what he's doing.
And he certainly doesn't mean to hurt you.
At midlife a man will do many things he
wouldn't have done before.
He's scared of dying. His friends may be
developing illnesses, some may have died.
He's afraid. He's resentful, frustrated and
depressed. He feels trapped by his
responsibility to provide for his family.
He's locked into a job or career that he no
longer enjoys because he must keep the kids
in college and make payments on the house
and car.
If he's like most men, he may be in
responsibility overload: in need of a break
from financial responsibilities and the
daily demands of work that he's probably had
since he got out of school. He may resent
the fact he cannot make the choices that so
many women can as far as choosing whether or
not they want to work and at what. He needs
a long break from responsibility but he
knows that's an impossibility. He's trapped.
How he reacts to this extreme pressure
cannot be predicted. Rest assured, though,
he will react.
What Can You Do?
The crisis will not end in a week or two. It
may take a year or years to get resolved.
You will need patience to let him learn to
cope with the new feelings and emotions that
are occurring in his life. You cannot do
this for him nor can you demand that he seek
counseling or talk the problem through with
you. You may suggest it but you cannot
demand it. It will do no good. It's
important that you understand and accept the
fact that it is his problem, not your fault.
Don't take the responsibility for his pain
and suffering.
Give him space. No matter how insecure
you're feeling, don't cling, berate,
belittle or try to push him in a direction
he doesn't want to go. If he wants more time
than usual to be by himself or with his
fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain
about how little time he's spending with
you. He's trying to think his problems
through and he'll find a way regardless of
what you say or do.
Now is the time you must develop yourself as
an independent person. You must take
responsibility for yourself and your
happiness without depending on him for the
closeness and intimacy that he probably is
unable to give right now. Plan things
without him. Depend upon yourself, not him.
Allow him to do the same.
Do things by yourself and with friends. Make
a life for yourself without waiting for him
to participate. He may refuse to go to
counseling but that doesn't mean you
shouldn't in order to better cope with your
feelings during this difficult time.
Continue to treat him and all men kindly.
This may sound like a silly statement, but
your confusion and resentment about his
current situation may cause you to "male
bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at
the time, but they will be painful and
hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in
general.
Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for
him, your attraction to him. Tell him and
show him that he is the most important
person in your life. Do it without
smothering, clinging or demanding that he
reciprocate the feelings to you.
If you make the decision to demand that he
straighten up, to demand that he stop his
erratic behavior, to demand that he return
to the person you're most comfortable with,
you'll be making a mistake.
If you make the decision to nag and whine,
you'll be making a mistake.
If you think you can make the choices for
him or tell him what he should do to feel
better or get his life in order, you'll be
making a mistake.
If you make idle threats about what you will
do if he doesn't change, you'll be making a
mistake.
You are not to blame for the feelings that
are guiding his life at this time, however,
your actions will help to influence the
choices he makes.
As hard as it may be to stand back and watch
him self-destruct, that is the role you will
have to take.
Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy.
Not every relationship will survive the
strain.
Special
Thanks to Pat Gaudette,
Founder of the Midlife Club
Vist Midlife Club's wonderful website here
www.midlifeclub.com
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