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The Good News About Dating as a Grown-Up
Book Excerpt from Boomer's Guide to
Dating (Again)
by Laurie A. Helgoe, Ph.D.
Take heart—you aren't the only one who hates
dating games. Your Boomer peers are fed up,
too. Like them, you have learned to be more
straightforward, and get to the point. You
know that life is short and games take time.
Yet, even the most evolved Boomers run into
situations where a dating game seems useful.
Just as you have reevaluated other habits,
now is a good time to sort out what is
salvageable about dating games and what you
have no use for. Let's take a look.
The Message Game
This is a game more in the sense of a fun
activity, and there is much to be said for
it. Getting advance information on someone's
feelings for you, and vice versa, protects
the ego as matches are made. I include the
Message Game here because communication
occurs indirectly and, if overused, the game
can become a substitute for direct
communication. (I remember being asked out
via my girlfriend!) When this happens,
facing your date can actually become more
difficult and awkward.
If the Message Game worked well for you, a
dating service may provide you similar
advantages. The service does the "who likes
who" research by matching profiles, and you
can be assured that your date is looking for
someone like you. Just as you would be
reluctant to send a friend you didn't trust
to gather information on your desired date's
feelings, you want to feel in good hands
with your dating service. Check out Chapter
19 for help.
If you hated message-passing and
who-likes-who intrigue, you can choose to
bypass the game and find out for yourself.
You'll save time, avoid the distortion that
can happen as messages are passed, and may
just turn on your potential date with your
boldness. After all, you're no longer
confined to a school environment where
messages fly whether you like it or not.
Hard To Get
The Hard To Get game is a lot of work
because it requires you to act in opposition
to your own feelings. You are probably busy
enough to want to avoid this extra effort.
And, if you've been making headway toward
that thing we call authenticity, playing a
game may feel like a setback.
But what do you do when you start to feel
devalued or neglected by the person you're
after? Or if your date is acting too cocky
or in control of the relationship? We'll
discuss this more in Chapter 32, but for
now, let's extract what is good about the
Hard To Get game—the part about valuing
yourself. Thankfully, you don't have to
disguise your feelings to pull this off.
Valuing yourself means seeing your time and
company as valuable and worthy of good
treatment. Valuing yourself means carrying
an attitude that "I am good for you," and
expecting that others want to be around you.
Now maybe you don't always feel this way, so
if you have to do some acting, here's a good
place to start. Acting as if you are
valuable begins to instill that believe in
you—others are prompted to treat you well,
you feel more valued, and so on.
Carrying yourself with a sense of value is
different than playing Hard To Get because
you remain free to express your desires.
Instead of gaining power by denying what you
want, you express your power by asserting
what you want. You can say "I want to be
with you" in a way that communicates "aren't
you lucky?" And when you think of it, who
isn't lucky to be the recipient of desire?
The Jealousy Game
This game is related to Hard To Get, in that
you are trying to increase your value in
someone else's eyes. Think about why you
might want to make your date jealous. You
probably want to keep him or her from
feeling too comfortable in the relationship;
to remind your date that you could make
another choice.
The awareness that you could make another
choice can be a benefit. It is a way to
avoid settling for treatment you dislike or
a relationship that doesn't excite you.
Being aware of the options can help you
notice what behaviors you like and don't
like. This can be helpful information for
the relationship you're in, or possibly a
clue that you want to get out. What
distinguishes this attitude from a game is
that you are focusing on your desires,
rather than on an attempt to manipulate your
partner.
Chase and Conquer
Although this game is most associated with
men, any of us who have witnessed a Beatle's
concert know that women can play, too. The
fun of the chase game is in the pursuit
itself. Whether we are screaming for a blown
kiss at a concert or going after someone who
seems inaccessible, part of the allure is in
the challenge. This game matches up well
with "hard to get." The tougher the
resistance, the stronger the pursuit. Yet,
when the conquest is made and the date
begins responding, the satisfaction gives
way to the desire for a new challenge. A new
chase begins.
While the chase can be thrilling, it
is a very one-sided thrill. If we go from
one chase to another, we exercise our power
to attract someone, but don't allow
ourselves to have someone. And we
don't allow ourselves to take in the desire
of another. In a way, we keep ourselves
hungry without allowing ourselves to be fed.
While we act confident, we don't acknowledge
our fear of truly having what we desire.
Yet, the willingness to go after what we
want is an asset as we date. We've all heard
stories about how persistence paid off: The
"you want to date me" attitude of the chaser
eventually sunk in, the reluctant party went
out with the pursuer, and was conquered—for
good! If we can allow ourselves to go after
the relationships we desire—and enjoy them,
too, chase can be even more fun.
Mind Reading
The wish to have your mind read is tied to
the desire to be taken care of. There's
actually nothing wrong with this desire. The
only problem with the Mind Reading game is
that it so often fails. The part of the Mind
Reading game we can pay attention to is our
wishes. What is it you are hoping he or she
will do for you? If you're expecting to be
disappointed about something, what wish is
behind that feeling?
If we can read our own minds, make our own
wishes conscious and then start to
communicate them more directly, we are much
more likely to get what we're hoping for. A
friend of mine shared a great way to help
her partner select gifts for her: "I just go
around to a bunch of stores, pick out what I
like, leave the information at the sales
counter, and tell him the stores to visit.
Last time I did that, he got everything I
had selected!"
Honesty Is an Aphrodisiac
The need to play games comes out of a fear
of honesty and its implications. We make all
kinds of contortions to work around
the truth. Throwing out a line somehow feels
safer than honestly sharing, "I'd like to
get to know you." Yet lines and games are
often transparent. Telling the truth can be
not only refreshing, but sexy. And being
honest reveals confidence. Even when you
admit feeling awkward, you are more likely
to come off as charming than foolish. You
also give permission for your partner to be
real.
When we recite lines or play old games, we
are hiding. If you want someone to like you,
reveal yourself. The more you are
able to use your own voice, the more life
and energy will come through. Notice how you
respond to the person in the room who cuts
through the b.s.—I usually wish I were the
one who had spoken up! Truth is a great
turn-on. Practice saying it like it is.
Admit what sucks. Start by being more
truthful with yourself, and more open with
your friends.
We all have to identify our own style of
engaging with others. If a game works for
you, it might just fit your way of flirting.
If coy and seductive is your ace in the hole
(no pun intended), then use it! Just know
that you have options—and the choice is
yours.
Friendship First
My best romance was one that started out as
a friendship. In fact, my friend was dating
someone else when we met. After kissing his
date goodbye, he would come over to my dorm
room and we would sit up and talk
philosophy, religion, or whatever was on our
minds. Although we were attracted to each
other, there was no pressure and we could be
real together. It was a year before we
started dating, and by that time we had
developed both an attachment and a backlog
of sexual tension. The first kiss was
amazing ...., I digress. My point is: One
way to avoid dating games altogether is to
start as friends.
Imagine yourself looking for a friend to
hang out with rather than a lover to date.
Doesn't that feel different? With a "date"
you think of dressing up and inventing
clever conversation—and playing games. With
a friend, you can let down your hair, have
fun, and be real. Just this subtle shift in
attitude can be a great asset as you meet
people. Beyond that, there is no better
basis for a relationship than a true
friendship.
© Laurie A. Helgoe
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