|
The Basic Steps of FLIRTATION and APPROACH
Behavior
by Dana
Peach, M.A., M.Ed
WOULD YOU like to
know how to increase your success in
connecting with strangers of the opposite
sex? Numerous research studies across
several disciplines confirm what thoughtful
observation shows us about how men and women
make their first, unmediated contacts in
public. There is a recognizable sequence of
behavioral steps by which two people can
escalate their level of knowledge and social
intimacy.
Although this
sequence can also be observed in studies of
animal behavior, and many elements are
common across cultures, the following
elements of flirtation describe behaviors
particularly relevant to Western culture.
The Core Courtship
Sequence
described below consists of a series of
behavioral overtures, made by either a woman
or a man, which represent escalations in
acceptance and social intimacy. At each
point, one of the people engaged in the
sequence can derail the entire sequence, and
there are reasons for the derailment and
specific stop-and-go signals to indicate
that “the mission is aborted”. You can learn
to understand and respond to those signals
and become more skilled - and more
comfortable - with them.
You can learn to
flirt with more joy and success than you are
experiencing now.
The Approach
One person
approaches the other or moves to be in
closer physical proximity to another. This
much is clear: no approach equals no
possibility of initiating contact.
Example: A woman
sits down next to a man in a coffee shop or
a man stands near a woman in a dance club.
The Acknowledgment
The person who has
been approached signals awareness and
acceptance of the other’s presence in some
way. This signal is not like a train
whistle, however, but a subtle body language
which you can learn to recognize. For
example, he or she simply may look up, move
over to make room, nod slightly, or signal
with a glancing eye contact.
A display of total
obliviousness to the one who is approaching
generally indicates lack of interest in
pursuing the sequence further at this point.
Unless the approaching person can show some
sort of an acknowledgment of some kind, the
sequence will undoubtedly fail at this
point.
The Verbal Exchange
The two people may
then engage in a mild verbal exchange about
impersonal, unimportant matters such as the
weather or the scene around them. Mild.
This is the
classic place for the clever “line”, but
cleverness is not required. At this point, a
verbal exchange is not for the purpose of
sharing valuable insights about life or
determining philosophical compatibility. It
is just a vehicle to further the developing
contact.
Examples: Verbal
overtures might include anything from
“please pass the pickles” to “you look very
pretty”, to “have you seen the waitress?”.
Without some form of verbal response, it is
highly unlikely that the next step will
occur.
Physical Re-Orientation
Over a period of
time, a couple that has begun to talk may
also begin to orient themselves physically
to one another, to turn toward one another
until, if all is goes well, until they are
fully facing one another.
This step can take
minutes or hours . . . or weeks or months .
. . to achieve. Yet, without this physical
reorientation toward one another, not very
much can happen, so give up on people who
turn their back toward you persistently and
for long periods!
Touching
The woman or the
man (most often the woman) touches the other
in a light, fleeting way. Examples: A couple
might accidentally brush their hands against
one another while reaching for a drink, or
the woman might pat the man on the arm in
the middle of a shared joke. The exchange of
very subtle, almost glancing touches may
continue for some while, and if all goes
well, can escalate into the casual
affections shown by couples who are dating.
Synchrony!
If all goes well
to this point, a couple may begin to mirror
one another’s movements imperceptibly, to
move their limbs or their heads in synchrony
with one another, eventually to proceed to a
close, face-to-face conversation, or even a
full body synchrony which much resembles -
and may actually be - dancing.
Whatever length of
time involved, when full synchrony has been
achieved, the approach sequence can be said
to have successfully evolved into the
possibility of an involvement. At this
point, it would make sense to ask for A
Date.
These behavioral
steps do not represent a social script, but
a creative process which can develop between
a man and a woman.
Each stage
involves an overture to escalate knowledge
and intimacy which may or may not be
accepted. It is very difficult to bypass any
of these steps. In fact, trying to rush or
to bypass these levels of acceptance is the
primary factor in derailing the whole
process.
Generally
speaking, it is the woman who is the
gatekeeper of each escalation point, so to
speak. For a variety of reasons (which I
will be happy to explore elsewhere), it is
the female side of the couple who determines
what the appropriate response to each
overture will be.
The rapidity and
ease with which the signals flow back and
forth between the participating parties is a
direct function of what some people refer to
as “physical chemistry”. This means, among
other things, that the elusive factor of
physical chemistry has a distinct behavioral
component to it which can be rationally
understood and acted upon with a greater
sense of confidence.
One critical
factor which cries out for understanding is
that the entire sequence begins . . . can
only begin . . . with an action which
constitutes an Approach.
If there is no
Approach, there is no possibility of
detecting that Magical Chemistry. By its
nature, “chemistry” has to do with how two
people interact, hence it cannot be
ascertained from a distance. Anyone who
intends to mate with ecstatic success needs
to increase their range of choice by
connecting with more potential mates. That
obviously means making and acknowledging
more Approaches in order to initiate
flirtation sequences which may lead . . .
somewhere.
Now you know, as
you probably already intuited, what actually
happens in a flirtatious first contact. Do
not waste time in the future pretending that
you just cannot figure out what is going on
when you meet a new person.
|
