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The Rules for Online
Dating
Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in
Cyberspace
by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
Rule 19: Keep Your Ad
Up Until You Are Exclusive
Women take down their ads prematurely.
They have two dates with a guy and think
"He's the one, that's it for me, I don't
want to meet anyone else," or they want to
show Mr. Right on their third date that they
are committed to him and him alone by taking
down their ad. We think this is a big
mistake. Regardless of the reason, we think
the only time to take down your ad is when
you are exclusive, he has said "I love you,"
or he has asked you to take down your ad—and
he has taken his down too!
Jenna (WillowyBlond29) found this out the
hard way. Mark (DreamGuy35) answered her ad
and thought she was attractive and that they
had a lot in common. Jenna flipped over his
photo and profile (he was handsome and also
loved the outdoors) and said "sure" when he
asked her to meet for drinks in his second
e-mail.
The first date on a Tuesday evening was
perfect and ended with his asking her for
dinner that Saturday night. Jenna was so
crazy about Mark that she wouldn't even log
onto the dating service under her own name
that week, because it would have recorded
her logging on and she didn't want Mark to
think she was interested in meeting anyone
else.
Like most women today, Jenna was so
worried about men being commitment-phobic
that she wanted to set an example of
fidelity. She thought that if she showed a
man that she was the exclusive type, he
would follow in kind. Of course, this
doesn't work. In fact, just the opposite is
true, as Jenna soon discovered.
After a second date with Mark, a walk on
the beach and a really great kiss, Jenna
went home and took her ad down because she
felt she had met the man she was going to
marry. Taking her ad out of circulation was
her way of providing to him that she was
serious.
On their third date Mark mentioned that
when he was searching through the ads to see
her pretty photo again, he couldn't find it.
She smiled sweetly and said that she took it
down because she was so happy to have met
him and did not want to meet anyone else.
With that, Mark choked on his dinner. He
said he wasn't feeling well and would she
mind if they skipped dessert and coffee. And
then he quickly dropped her off at her
apartment building with just a peck on the
cheek!
When Jenna didn't hear from Mark all
week, she e-mailed him, "Everything OK?" He
said, "Yes, just busy with work. Will call
you when things settle down." When she
didn't hear from him for another week, she
called him at work and came right out and
asked, "Are you dumping me?" Trying to be
polite, he just said, "No, I just think we
were moving a little too fast. I'm not
looking for anything serious right now."
Jenna was speechless. She didn't
understand what had happened until she
consulted with us and we told her that
taking down her ad and telling him about it
(and why) was like asking a guy to marry
you. "You can't ask a guy to be exclusive on
the third date or any date. That's his job.
Taking down your ad after the second date
was premature, and telling him why
you took it down was scary for him, which
naturally made him lose interest," we
explained. "Besides, Mark was not searching
only for your photo that day but also for
other women's photos. He's not ready to stop
dating yet and neither should you be."
Jenna learned her lesson and put her ad
back up. Mark saw it and e-mailed her for a
date. This time, Jenna waited 48 hours and
e-mailed him back, "Busy right now. Maybe
next month." She waited until Mark e-mailed
her again and again before she agreed to see
him. Now she is dating him and three other
guys she met online and loving it.
Jenna's new motto: "May the best man
win!"
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