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Trouble.com
By Dr. Roger A. Rhoades
In the last few years, the number of
relationships that start on the Internet has
skyrocketed. No statistics are available
about which ones work out and which ones end
in disaster, but you can be sure the
relationships that work are based upon
mutual honesty. The ones that don't, aren't.
The ones we hear about are the horror
stories.
In face-to-face encounters, people can see
what the other person looks like and see how
they interact in a one-on-one conversation.
Even so, there are still stories about
people meeting in person in a bar or social
setting where one of them turns out to be
dishonest. These people stretch the truth
about who they really are, where they work,
what kind of car they drive, and how much
money they make.
In a world where people feel disconnected,
the Internet gives them a false sense of
security, a safe platform into the unknown.
Women and men who are too shy to go out and
meet someone, or unable because of money,
time, or personal issues, now find social
interaction on the Internet. Because they
are not in a position where they feel like
they can be rejected, they open themselves
up body and soul. The absence of fear of
rejection transforms even the mildest person
into a bold adventurer. They openly discuss
sensitive subjects with strangers who may
live states away, or even in foreign
countries -- subjects they would otherwise
be unable or unwilling to talk about. People
who ordinarily feel restricted by their
person life choices are able to live out
their wildest fantasies on the Internet. To
some, the Internet seems to be the perfect
answer to their trapped, dull, going-nowhere
lives.
The reality is that the Internet allows
people to attract others by misrepresenting
themselves about their basic
characteristics. People can represent
themselves as women when they are men,
single when they are married, tall when they
are short, attractive when they are
unattractive.
Since some are willing to deal with the
possibility that people at the other
computer may be misrepresenting themselves,
they believe an Internet relationship is
harmless. However, when a trusting person
shares too much personal information with a
dishonest person, the Internet relationship
can cross over into a dark side. Murder,
rape, torture, suicide, divorce, and theft
can result. People who make the mistake of
trusting another on the Internet can find
themselves in a horrible situation. Lured
into an Internet relationship by the
prospect of finding the answer to all their
problems, people are ruining their lives and
the lives of people around them.
When someone ends up in a nightmare
situation that got started on the Internet,
the entire family is affected. Yet, the
additional casualties of bad Internet
relationships are rarely even considered
when these stories make the news. The real
victims are the children of the people who
step over the line on the Internet. They are
the children who stood by helplessly
watching a parent not only ruin his or her
own life and future, but theirs, too. There
is no telling how many children have been
moved miles and miles so that their single
parents can meet the person of their
Internet dreams. There are children who have
watched one parent start an Internet
relationship only to have the other parent
find out and hit the roof. While the impact
of a normal affair between two people is
hard enough on a child, imagine how
devastating it is for a child to see parents
breaking up because one of them is angry
with the other one who is typing messages to
a person no one has ever seen.
People need education about the positive and
negative aspects of Internet relationships.
People need to know what can happen when
Internet users are not cautious about their
interactions. Parents, both single and
married, need to consider the health and
well being of their children instead of
their own selfish wants and to do so before
they are knee-deep in an Internet
relationship.
If people who have met on the Internet
decide to move their relationship to the
next step, e.g., meeting face-to-face, they
need to meet in a safe place and if
possible, bring a friend along for safety
and feedback. Married couples need to talk
about how they feel about their spouse
interacting with people on the Internet.
Couples should take time interacting
together with people on the Internet. If
their relationship is not going well, a
couple should agree to work it out in front
of a therapist or by themselves rather than
venting their frustrations to someone on the
Internet.
In any interaction between two people,
especially when emotions are involved, there
is the "selling factor." Someone is selling
and someone is buying. One may convince the
other that what they are selling is just
what they need, must have and will make them
happy. Or, someone can sell another that
they are not the person who can make them
happy. Either way, a sale gets made because
what happens in real life also happens in
any Internet relationship. If you are the
person doing the buying, then the best piece
of advice anyone can give you is, "Buyer
Beware!" The product you are about to buy
might cost you your home, money, family or
life.
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