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The Issue is Honesty
With so many people asking the same
question - perhaps now is the time to
closely examine how to tell if the person
you are dealing with on the "net" is, in
fact, the person they are purporting to be.
But how? How do we determine this? If we
come out and blatantly interrogate them,
they will no doubt be offended. On the other
hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what
we have to resort to - and in turn, we must
be prepared to subject ourselves to the
same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar
will jump through any hoops to satisfy their
goal - so, after some thought, I have put
together, based on my own experiences and
insights, a list of possible ways to
determine if you are dealing with an Honest
person.
- Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of
really "listening" to the person you are
dealing with. Of course, the notion of
"listening" to someone's words on the
screen is ridiculous - but if you
consider that in the sense they are
"speaking" to you - this makes perfect
sense. Do they sound too good to be
true? We'd all really like to believe
the person we are coming to enjoy
knowing and speaking with is exactly as
they say they are. We want nothing more
than to take them at face value. But
reading these stories we find often that
the real-deal is the exception rather
than the rule. Read what they are
writing - pin them down on "iffy"
details - if they refuse to be pinned,
or remain evasive, consider that a RED
FLAG and proceed with caution!
- Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions
that, in your mind, really don't make
sense - but the person you are speaking
with has a quick explanation. Ask
yourself, more than once - is it really
believable? For example - "I'd love to
meet you soon.. but I have some details
or personal matters to take care of
first" should provide a RED FLAG. While
none of us wants to pry or probe for
information, we have to ask ourselves
"what kind of personal details or
matters are so important that preclude
this person from being able to meet
me?". Do you have to ask online
permission first to call someone? If so,
that is a good indication that the
person you are dealing with isn't really
"free" to meet you at all. Who else
lives there? Is it possible the person
you are dealing with is still married?
While it is true that many people
looking for love on-line may still be
married, and dealing with the aftermath
of terminating their marriages - it's
important to establish this well in
advance of involving yourself with
someone else. Most people understand
that often, marriages can take time to
end - that doesn't make the person any
less available, as long as you can
clarify details, and this can be
accomplished by calling them at their
home (once you have established a
comfortable rapport with each other and
have exchanged phone numbers). Call when
they aren't expecting your call - do
they have an answering machine? Who's
voice is on it? Are they secretive, do
they speak in hushed tones or are they
angry or upset that you called without
notice? These are pretty good
indications that your unexpected call
was not as welcome as you would have
liked. If this is the type of response
your surprise phone call receives, be
prepared for some fancy footwork from
the other person when they finally do
hook up with you, while they explain the
reasons for their reaction. Fancy
footwork usually involves weaving a tale
that on it's surface - sounds plausible,
but little else. Do it again! If your
first surprise phone call wasn't as
welcome as you would have liked, do it
again! If you get the same kind of
reaction - you can draw your own
conclusions. Make these calls at
different times. This does not mean
harass anyone! But a couple of calls
spread out over the span of a week or
two certainly do not equal harassment.
After all.. this is someone who is
supposedly very interested in you.
- Current Photos!
With the issues of dishonesty or
deception as to the other person's
actual appearance clearly being one of
the main issues of Honesty - how do we
accomplish the goal of finding out what
someone truly looks like? I won't begin
to discuss the issues surrounding why
appearance is so important.. suffice it
to say - if you're telling the truth
about yourself, then it doesn't matter.
On the other hand, if you want to base a
relationship on dishonesty, and the
person you are speaking with has a clear
idea as to your true appearance - and
you're lying - why do you think you
deserve to have any kind of relationship
at all? Often, people will try to put
off that inevitable first meeting for as
long as possible when they are being
dishonest about their appearance. The
logical thinking behind this is that for
as long as they can delay this, they
will make every effort to change their
appearance, to make themselves look more
like they said they looked. Of course,
this is ludicrous on it's surface as
change in appearance, depending on what
those changes are, can take a long time,
cost a fortune, or just not be feasible
or possible, and people who haven't
started to make these changes aren't
likely going to be able to manage
substantial change to their own
satisfaction in this time frame. But how
do you know what they Really look like?
Old pictures often tell a different
story - and we can be stunned or shocked
to go to meet the person in the old
picture, and find the real person - who
we didn't even recognize! There are no
shortage of excuses for "why" people
don't have current pictures.. "I don't
have a scanner", "I don't have a
camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures
scanned yet".. Let's be real here. Any
photocopy service in this day and age
does photo scanning. They charge an
average of $10 (and that's judging from
prices of about a year ago) and it takes
less than an hour. With the emergence on
the marketplace of low-cost personal
scanners, we all probably know someone
who has a scanner. No current picture?
Nobody to take one for you? Heck,
there's no shortage of places you can
get a picture taken. I once resorted to
asking the guy at the store where I buy
my bottled water to take my picture,
handing him my Polaroid. If you aren't
being dishonest about yourself, chances
are, you have a current picture or have
the means to get one. How do we know if
it's a current picture? That indeed
seems to be the big question here. The
best idea I had (and this is lame, I
know) is to hold up the day's newspaper
(not in front of you, but just off to
the side). Sure, the actual date will be
impossible to read - but the day's
headline sure won't be hard to miss! If
anyone has any better ideas as to how to
establish how "Current" the photograph
is, PLEASE E-Mail Me
with your suggestions.
- The Scammers!
When you read these stories, you'll see
that indeed, it is possible now to meet
up with someone who isn't interested in
you at all, but rather what you can do
for them or what they can take from you.
Too bad they're there - until we can
find a means to stop them, the best we
can do is protect ourselves. How do you
know if someone is out to "con" you?
Let's look at the theory behind "cons"
or "confidence" people. That's how they
work isn't it? The put you at ease
immediately, they agree with everything
you say, they pour out undying and
heartfelt emotions almost immediately.
How is it possible?? How can they "love"
you almost immediately without ever
having met you? I've heard the lamest
arguments on this point "well what about
in the olden days with pony express?
People met, fell in love and married
that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo!
This is not the 1800s.. we have the
means, we have the technology - why
would ANYONE make this kind of argument
to validate their feelings for someone
else? If you defend that train of
thought - I'll expect to see your story
here sooner or later. The fact is -
"LOVE" is not possible without
physically meeting someone or spending
"considerable" time in getting to know
them. I will not argue that infatuation
is possible, or that feelings of joy,
contentment and overwhelming desire are
possible. But the "connection" between
two people who have not met, or have
spoken for less than a month online is
not. Why the rush to love? These people
aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly
understand the feelings of loneliness
and the wonder and joy of being "in
love" and having someone who "loves" you
in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it
takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells
you they love you within the first week
or so of knowing you online is a liar!.
There, I've said it - it's out. Would
you believe anyone who, in real life,
told you they loved you if they'd just
met you the week before? No way! Same
rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and
if you hear those three little words
that mean so much, step back. Step back
hard and tell them you are doing just
that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it
will last forever and stand the test of
time, and they will respect that you
question your feelings and theirs. If
it's still "love" after a few weeks or a
month - meet and meet soon!! You will
know when you meet in person if what you
felt online is what you feel for them in
person.
- Why Meet Soon? Let's face it - the
internet provides us several unique
opportunities to meet a great number of
people from one "site". Personals sites
list several thousand people each - chat
rooms give them the chance to interact -
e-mail affords them the privacy to
correspond with several people at once.
If you have the means to meet people who
live far away - wonderful! When you meet
that "special someone" and you feel very
strongly for them, and you believe that
they are honest and genuine - meet them
soon! Find out before you make emotional
investments if they are the same in
person as they were online. Spare
yourself the agony of allowing yourself
to "feel" for them online, to live for
their letters, only to find out that you
were not the only one, or that your
online feelings did not translate "in
real life" when you met them face to
face and found out that really, the
spark was not there. Be true to
yourself, if you do not have the means
to sustain a long distance relationship
- don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you
will have to make yourself wait longer
to meet someone from a closer area, but
too many have already invested heavily
in trips they could ill afford only to
find disappointment and deception on the
other end.
- Background Checks - There are
services that I have recently found -
that cater especially to those of
looking for love on the internet. They
are extremely affordable - and for a
minimal price - you can find out some
things about the person you are becoming
interested in - even if these aren't
things you really wanted to know. I've
placed a link to them at the top of this
page - as well as on the Table of
Contents page. Check them out - this is
a good
resource.
- Summing Up In Summary - I have
addressed my thoughts on how to tell if
people are honest. They include 1.
Listen to them! Watch for stories or
aspects about them that sound "iffy" or
evasive. Press them for details and
stand firm if they try to lead the
conversation away from those details! 2.
Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask
someone to take a picture holding a
newspaper - but if they are who they say
they are - you need only explain to them
you've "been there, done that" with
others who were deceptive or dishonest -
and you just really need to know, that
it's not personal. If they take it
personally, there is yet another RED
FLAG for you to pay attention to! 3.
Take Your Time! If they seem to have
fallen in love with you almost
immediately - Step Back!. Why are they
telling you so soon that they love you?
Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love
being in love - but why the rush? If
it's meant to be it will last forever..
TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going
anywhere and if they are, you should be
worried anyway! 4. Meet Them Soon! Do
not allow yourself to make a sizeable
emotional investment in anyone that
isn't able to meet you! People who delay
or put off that first meeting, it would
seem, have something to hide. Insist on
meeting them within a month of meeting
them online. Allow yourself that month
to get to know them and determine if
after that month, you still feel for
them. Allow yourself the opportunity to
meet them in person to see if it's
really "love". Be kind to yourself. If
they're the right person - nothing you
could ask them would put them off. If
they've spent any time on the net -
they've had similar experiences and
Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And
if they're not - perhaps you should
wonder why...5. Background Checks - This
is accessible to you - if you have ANY
RED FLAGS - use the service above or one
like it. You can be sorry for something
you didn't do for a very long time -
using common sense is something you'll
never regret.
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